I have one of the worst disorders you can have. It is one you cannot talk about. It is invisible to the all seeing world. I talk and laugh like any other person, but it is not me laughing, smiling, or joking. No. The real me is buried so far under layers of skin and masculinity. I am locked away deep inside and my only key to freedom is myself, or death. I am a girl trapped in a, dare I say, boy’s body. I was born wrong. I know it. I know it. I know it. I have always known it. Everyday of my life.

From day to day I am restricted from the life I should be leading. No long hair, makeup, nice clothes, female singing voice, and most importantly, understanding. I am treated like a boy. I am forced to be a boy. Hey girls, how would you feel of you had to get your hair chopped off unwillingly? If you had, not small boobs, but no boobs? How would you like to slowly watch as the you that you know dies slowly and painfully right in front of you, as you look in the mirror. I am talking about puberty and how it has disfigured me physically, and as a consequence, psychologically. I am still only 16.

I am not normally a complainer, and this is not my purpose here. I just want to let all of those lucky people born in the right genders know how much they have to appreciate. Today I did an acting audition and watched as the roles I lived and breathed and was desperate to perform were done right in front of me, by girls. Every time I lose. I cannot get a role because in my mind I am stuck between; should embrace who I am and be girl? Or should I mask myself and perform the greatest acting/lie in my life and become a male?

I hate the word transgender. I am not a label. I am a girl. I am just cursed into a difficult life. The people who are trapped inside walk among you, they are your brothers or sister, aunts or uncles, teachers, parents, friends. And you may never know, because it is silent. Mute. I am to busy gasping for air to scream for help, drowned by society and their “rules”. I am tortured everyday and live with a defect that I am too afraid to say. So do not merely “like” this post. Please, reblog it for me. For all of the people who are trapped inside and need a their voices to be heard. Reblog to bring awareness to this horrible “transgenderism” that kills many people every year…silently. Help us to bring normality to this topic so that in the future it may be treated and accepted as much as any other defect, like having an extra limb or a chronic illness. We are not freaks, we are humans, tortured by our smothering bodies.

Acting Examination

I had to memorize a seven minute monologue for my acting exam, which is by far the longest in my class, and my partner only has three lines. Not only is this a huge amount of work and pressure I am also given the role of Eddie, a man in the ‘tile’ business. Nor do I look or have a personality even close to that role. My drama teacher says he wants to push my scope of acting by making me characterize someone completely foreign to my own personal self. If only he knew I was transgender…and how much of a challenge this really is. The real task is a girl playing a rough male role who is thick headed. It is an even greater challenge for me to always—ALWAYS play male roles. It sucks. But in the end I say to myself, “If you can learn to play all of these parts as males than you can become an even better actor than people think.” I hope this is true. I performed today and it went badly. I remembered all of my lines perfectly, I was just focusing on them too hard and didn’t internalize my character or act out the subtext of the scene. I want to extremely improve for my exam performance Thursday night! Wish me luck! And it’s time for me to research how to be a “blue-collared workforce man”.

yuukisstory asked:
I've been good Sugar Cube. Its been a pretty emotional week for me. I've been busy with school and writting, i totally hate it now i mean i shouldnt be lazy but i just dont want to be at school anymore, you know. but its a phase i'll get over it soon. I watched a funny vid this week called "Epic Pie Time" you should look it up its funny! well thats it for this message many <3s and lots of (^3^)s

I shall look that up sometime it sounds interesting! :) I hope things get better for you! I find a lot of acceptance in the arts programs at school, plus you make many great friends!

fionnalynn asked:
Oh, We've missed you! How was your Christmas? Hope you are doing well!

My Christmas was great! :) I am doing pretty fine, very busy with art stuff lately, how was your christmas?

Got the Canon Rebel I Wanted and I am Ready to Take Some Photography!
yuukisstory asked:
Hey sweety! How have you been? What adventure have you concurred? Did you win any competitions? Also Happy New Years if I didn't send you that.

Happy New Years to you too! I have been good! I drew a portrait that my art teacher loves and wants me to get proffessionally framed and entered into an exhibit! :) My next adventure is to sell my dads truck while he isn’t home and buy myself a car! ;) So sorry I haven’t been posting ANYTHING, my laptop just got fixed after like four months of being broken and I am still renovating my bedroom. LOL, How have you been??

butterfly-boy asked:
hey there<3 thanks for following back! I just saw your reply now >< I am so sorry:3 and your so welcome~ wonderful hehe yes and definitely i can relate to your writtings!! i hope you have a great weekend:D peace&love jesse

Your welcome! :) I am soo glad that you like my journals, I made them so that I could express myself and how alone I feel, and now I have met amazing people like you that feel the same way!

yuukisstory asked:
Hey, I'm doing good btw, the relationship between me and my dad is still shaky. But I'm sorry for giving you a late up date. Thats really cool I can't shop out of my state even my city. I really Love your posts btw :)

Thank you! I hope to make more in the future when my room is done being renovated! I hope you have amazing holidays and only time can heal the tremors between you and your dad. My dad left in October and I’ve only seen him twice since. :P

yuukisstory asked:
Hi, its me again. Just wanted to know how your holding up. Haven't messaged the people I care about here, actually I never once started a chat with my other followers only you. Like I said, How everything?

Thanks for asking! I have been busy and I just went shopping in Pennsylvania for two days! Which was fun, :P How are you?